The Father You've Always Wanted

Father's day is just a few weeks away, so I have chosen a book on Fatherhood to feature in this post.

"How many of you did not have a father who knew how
to love and bless you?"

Ed McGlasson asked this question one evening when he was speaking, and the response was a sea of raised hands across the room.  It's an interesting question.  It is not "How many of you did not have a father who loved you..."  Though that may be true, sadly, for many.  This question allows that the fathers of the audience on that day DID love their children, but they did not know how to demonstrate it.  I wonder how many of those listening people understood the experience of an 83 year old Jewish man who told Ed, "All I ever wanted from my dad was for him to tell me one time that he loved me and that he was proud of me." 

Ed McGlasson's expertise in writing for dads comes from real, sometimes painful experience.  A father of five, he found that he was struggling to be the loving parent to them which he wanted to be.  He found it hard not to push his kids away from him when he was disappointed with them, and over-reacted when he was angry.  Busy trying to prove himself to those around him, he was pushing his kids to perform, because that's how his stepfather had parented him. But it wasn't the parent he wanted to be. 

He didn't want to be a 'better dad', he wanted his children to know without question that he loved them and was proud of them.  Despite good intentions and much effort he knew he was failing, and came to realise he needed something more.  Much more.  What he sought was an encounter with God which would turn his heart towards his children, as Mal 4:6 describes when it says God will "turn the hearts of fathers to their children and children to their fathers."  Ed wanted to know the hopes, dreams, passions and despairs of his children. 

He uses an example in the book when his son Lukas asks him whether he will still love him if he doesn't play football the next year.  Ed tells him that he will love him no matter what he chooses, and asks him what he wants to do instead.  Lukas, beaming, tells him that he has tried out for the tennis team, and made it in!  Ed writes:

"My son Lukas is like so many men and women I have met who feel trapped trying to live up to what they think their fathers want.  The fact I didn't know Lukas was interested in tennis taught me something: I wasn't close enough to his heart to know what his dream was.  But that's exactly what our job is as fathers.  We are called to listen to the heartbeat of our children's dreams, no matter how soft the sound, and call them forward in love toward wide and wonderful horizons."

This is a brave book.  Ed is very open in his own failings and frustrations as a parent, and as a believer.  His father died before he was born, and his stepfather parented harshly, with constant expectation and little affirmation.  Ed refers to this as broken parenting.  So when he became a parent himself, his frame of reference was also broken.  This issue of 'father wounds', caused by the failings of our earthly fathers is a major focus in this book and is tackled head on throughout. 

There are lots of examples and practical ideas in this book, and it is very compelling reading - even for a female who is not a parent!  I can recommend it to anyone who wants to understand God the father's true character better - rather than the God the Father we see through our father-hurt eyes - as well as to both fathers AND mothers desperate to parent their children with purpose, value and loving connection.

Full book information
You can pre-order the book via your local Christian bookshop, or any other bricks and mortar or online bookshop.
For digital readers, this is also available in ebook format.

One Size Doesn't Fit All: Parenting Adult Children

Contrary to what we may think, parenting doesn’t stop once our children grow up, says Nancy Williams, author of Secrets of Parenting Your Adult Child. She continues: "Our role changes but our love and sense of responsibility continue. We want our children to be independent, fulfilled adults and we want a loving, mature relationship with them. I wanted to share some secrets to help parents understand the changes and challenges taking place for themselves and their children." Read on for some questions and answers with Nancy on this very important topic.

QUESTION: Why do you think it is difficult for some parents to shift their roles and responsibilities as their children become adults?
NANCY: It’s a challenging and often confusing time for both parents and young adults, and we aren’t always clear about how to manage all the changes taking place. Some parents may not fully understand what is really going on in the minds and hearts of their children, so they operate from assumptions. Then there are parents who have preconceived ideas about their role and their children’s at this life stage—ideas that might not be reasonable for them or for their children. Some are tired and want to let go of the responsibility all at once, whether or not their children are ready. Others want to hold on out of fear that their children might struggle or even fail. Then there are some who are sad that a chapter in their lives has come to a close. Their activities and even their identity have been so wrapped around their children’s that they don’t know what to do once they are gone.

QUESTION: What do you think our adult children are looking for from us as parents?
NANCY: They want to define their own measure of success and they want us to respect and acknowledge that they are ultimately in charge of their lives—we’re not. They want our love and our support when they ask for it. Sometimes they want our opinions and at times they want our help. They also want us to step aside and not try to control their lives and dictate their choices. They want us to be on the sidelines to love and encourage them and then to step in if they ask.

QUESTION: In your book, you use the phrase “one size doesn’t fit all when it comes to parenting adult children.” Talk about that.
NANCY: As parents, we need to remember that our children are different—not only in terms of their appearance, personalities, and preferences, but also when it comes to maturing and taking on the responsibilities that come with adulthood. I’ve found in my own parenting journey and as I counsel clients that while some children step quickly, eagerly, and successfully into the role of adult, others need more time and assistance to transition.

QUESTION: It’s easy for parents to support their children when they are making choices the parents agree with, but what about when children make decisions that concern or disappoint their parents? What can parents do then?
NANCY: One of the things we must realize is that we’ve encouraged our children to think for themselves and take charge of their lives so it is inevitable they will make some choices that are different from what we’d like. For example: choices about career, a spouse, finances, or their lifestyle. There are times when we need to keep our opinions to ourselves and accept their right to live life as they choose. There are other times, however, when we may need to talk with them about our concerns. And we need to do so openly, honestly, and respectfully. In the book, I discuss how to carefully guide that discussion in a way that reflects our roles and responsibilities.

QUESTION: Your book is titled Secrets to Parenting Your Adult Child. If you could share one secret with parents, what would that be?
NANCY: Effective communication is key because it impacts so many aspects of our relationships with our children. Our conversations with them must be honest, respectful, intended to lift up and not tear down, heal and not harm, connect and not divide. And they must be grounded in love. The book shares tips on how to listen to what your children express and don’t express with a goal of understanding, how to acknowledge and consider what they share, and how to respond with a goal of being understood.

To read more of Nancy's advice on being a parent to an adult child, see a sample chapter.
Media contact: Anne Rogers (anner@lionhudson.com)