Contrary to what we may think, parenting doesn’t stop once our children grow up, says Nancy Williams, author of Secrets of Parenting Your Adult Child. She continues: "Our role changes but our love and sense of responsibility continue. We want our children to be independent, fulfilled adults and we want a loving, mature relationship with them. I wanted to share some secrets to help parents understand the changes and challenges taking place for themselves and their children." Read on for some questions and answers with Nancy on this very important topic. QUESTION: Why do you think it is difficult for some parents to shift their roles and responsibilities as their children become adults?
NANCY: It’s a challenging and often confusing time for both parents and young adults, and we aren’t always clear about how to manage all the changes taking place. Some parents may not fully understand what is really going on in the minds and hearts of their children, so they operate from assumptions. Then there are parents who have preconceived ideas about their role and their children’s at this life stage—ideas that might not be reasonable for them or for their children. Some are tired and want to let go of the responsibility all at once, whether or not their children are ready. Others want to hold on out of fear that their children might struggle or even fail. Then there are some who are sad that a chapter in their lives has come to a close. Their activities and even their identity have been so wrapped around their children’s that they don’t know what to do once they are gone.
QUESTION: What do you think our adult children are looking for from us as parents?
NANCY: They want to define their own measure of success and they want us to respect and acknowledge that they are ultimately in charge of their lives—we’re not. They want our love and our support when they ask for it. Sometimes they want our opinions and at times they want our help. They also want us to step aside and not try to control their lives and dictate their choices. They want us to be on the sidelines to love and encourage them and then to step in if they ask.
QUESTION: In your book, you use the phrase “one size doesn’t fit all when it comes to parenting adult children.” Talk about that.
NANCY: As parents, we need to remember that our children are different—not only in terms of their appearance, personalities, and preferences, but also when it comes to maturing and taking on the responsibilities that come with adulthood. I’ve found in my own parenting journey and as I counsel clients that while some children step quickly, eagerly, and successfully into the role of adult, others need more time and assistance to transition.
QUESTION: It’s easy for parents to support their children when they are making choices the parents agree with, but what about when children make decisions that concern or disappoint their parents? What can parents do then?
NANCY: One of the things we must realize is that we’ve encouraged our children to think for themselves and take charge of their lives so it is inevitable they will make some choices that are different from what we’d like. For example: choices about career, a spouse, finances, or their lifestyle. There are times when we need to keep our opinions to ourselves and accept their right to live life as they choose. There are other times, however, when we may need to talk with them about our concerns. And we need to do so openly, honestly, and respectfully. In the book, I discuss how to carefully guide that discussion in a way that reflects our roles and responsibilities.
QUESTION: Your book is titled Secrets to Parenting Your Adult Child. If you could share one secret with parents, what would that be?
NANCY: Effective communication is key because it impacts so many aspects of our relationships with our children. Our conversations with them must be honest, respectful, intended to lift up and not tear down, heal and not harm, connect and not divide. And they must be grounded in love. The book shares tips on how to listen to what your children express and don’t express with a goal of understanding, how to acknowledge and consider what they share, and how to respond with a goal of being understood.
To read more of Nancy's advice on being a parent to an adult child, see a sample chapter.
Media contact: Anne Rogers (anner@lionhudson.com)
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